NYE 2016 Resolution #1

Well with my first official blog post out of the way, let discuss my New Year’s resolutions for 2016.

#1. Keep a Journal

One of the things that annoy me the most about my old journals or blogs is that every single post or entry was dripping with trigger words that only I completely understood yet vague to the point where anyone else reading wouldn’t. This arrangement suited me because at the time, I may have been suffering from an internal conflict and wanted to express myself through an outlet without anyone really understanding or knowing. That would worked I told myself.

But sometimes, I just want to be direct and concise. I want to work on expressing my ideas, in written form, and not care what others may think about me. I wanted to finally just be myself.

So my plans is to write an open journal. A blog with no frills, no posts that attempt to tip toe around the subject. Just posts that show how I actually felt. And maybe the occasionally random rant.

It’s funny because I started blogging/journaling back when the now defunct original Xanga was huge. I did what other high schooler did and discuss about daily deeds (which when I went back and skim through it a few years ago, made me nearly cry at the ridiculousness and magnitude of the issues we were discussing. We were high schooler for crying out loud) and mundane tasks. One entry I remember (most of the entries have since lost in time since Xanga closed down) involved me typing “lIkE Dis” and talking like an “OG” (original gansta for you youngins out there). Holy shit, I almost facepalm at the way I use to talk. But you know, that was how it was back in those days. You either fit in or you don’t. And if you didn’t, that was oooonnneeeeee bumpy four year ride. And as a high schooler, that was all you care about. No questions asked.

As I read deeper into my entries, I see my vague posts on my crushes or girlfriends. Reading it does lead to a lot of regret (but mostly of the facepalming kind). But I saw my issue. I was too worry about what other people thought about me or in trying to figure me, that I missed out on what it could be really use for. Myself.

You see, I have always been a sort of recluse and introvert. Maybe I don’t show it externally but it is definitely there. I kept up my guard even to those who know me the best. I knew my friends felt it at the time. But my thought process was they didn’t need to know. I can handle myself. And like that, A Great Divide.

I just happen to have two personalities. One was excited, loud, and just wants to have fun. Maybe a tad obnoxious but always mean well. This is me. But my other personality wants something more. He wants to speak but he can’t. He doesn’t know what he desires. He is introverted but doesn’t know how to convey his ideas. This is also me.

I have been able to let my guard down more these last few years. Maybe I can share those stories later. But for now, let see where this journey takes us.